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Bill O’Reilly – Great America’s Historian


You can’t make it up. And you certainly wouldn’t want to.

Bill O’Reilly, that self-important, maniacal, heartless, gutless, flaccid-brained, delusional, shart-mouthed human cesspool of jingoistic, racist, sexist and xenophobic moral fiber–an American National Treasure in his own dank and tiny mind–set the record straight last night.[1]

Bill O'Reilly, shart-mouthed human cesspool

Sir William Devoid-of-Funk[2] helpfully pointed out how Michelle Obama’s “positive remarks” conveniently failed to mention that the slaves who built the White House were well-fed and housed, their masters were paid for providing their slave labor (thank God for pious capitalists willing to undertake thankless government work!), and that free whites and blacks also worked on the project. (He doesn’t say these free citizens were paid–maybe they weren’t?–nor whether they were well-fed–maybe they weren’t?! Probably reverse discrimination, eh Bill?) He also assures us “[the federal government] stopped hiring slave labor in 1802, however the Feds did not forbid subcontractors from using slave labor.”

Well, that’s a relief! So what that those subcontractors were driven by the invisible hand of capitalism to do things we might find mildly objectionable in today’s “politically correct” climate (it’s not warming, by the way, you left-wing morons)? Make America great again like it was in 1802!

Just because I can, Bill being Bill …

Notes

  1. Yes, I could be describing Donald Drumpf here. I’d only need add “with tiny, tiny hands and the complexion of an unappealing yam.” [^]
  2. I stole this from Clinton, of course. [^]

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