May 24, 2011

Deutsche Tage

My daughter Nicole works at the Germanic-American Institute (GAI) in Saint Paul. I’m not sure exactly what it is they do at the GAI, but I’m pretty sure that whatever it is is just a cover for their real mission: world domination.

So, I’m a “friend” of the GAI and receive their newsletters and email alerts. Just in case.

This week I received an email reminder of the upcoming Deutsche Tage (German Days) Weekend. I opened it right away, of course. It’s never a good idea to ignore a message from an organization bent on world domination. Particularly a message with the one-word subject line “Achtung!”

The message read:

Germanic-American Institute Upcoming Events

June 11 & 12: Saturday & Sunday Deutsche Tage (German Days) Weekend Celebration - FREE

http://www.gai-mn.org/events/index.html#Deutsche_Tage

Now I’m hesitant to be critical of such a fine organization, but I think it might be a good idea to add a little more detail to this invite. Just what can one expect from a Deutche Tage celebration? Before I commit to a two-day weekend with my Teutonic friends, I’d really like to know more.¹ I’ve never attended the annual Scottish “Highland Festival” in Saint Paul for similar reasons: unspecific adverts leave me to suppose it consists of a lot of sheep shearing, drinking, fighting, and unsightly confirmations of just what it is that Scotsmen wear under their kilts.

So to be helpful, I suggested to Nicole an example of the sort of schedule she might want to include with these email invitations:

Saturday Schedule

9:00 AM - Beer chugging competition in the garden.

9:30 - Hermann und Helmut on stage in Liederhosen take turns kicking each other and swearing in Deutsch.

10:00 - Helga runs 50-meter dash while carrying a tray of fifteen full beer steins in one hand and her husband Fritz in the other.

10:05 - Traditional polka dance.

11:00 - Roundtable discussion number #1 - The music of Richard Wagner: Is it really better than it sounds?

11:05 - Arts und crafts: Construction of an authentic Bavarian “beer bong” hat.

Noon - Chef Heimlich attempts to create and serve world’s largest Bregenwurst using more than two tons of pork bellies and brains. Beer will be served.

1:00 PM - Polka-Latin fusion dance.

2:00 - Beer pong competition in the garden.

3:00 - Helga und Fritz wrestle in a large vat of Sauerbraten marinade and garlic mustard.

3:30 - Beatles cover band Die Kafer play “Sie liebt dich” und “Komm gib mir deine Hand” over and over and over again on the main stage.

5:30 - Roundtable discussion number #2 - Reading Thomas Mann’s lesser-known “comic” novels.

5:35 - Toasts to 100 German heroes in the beer garden, from Wotan to Ludwig II to Dirk Nowitzki.

7:00 - Polka-Hip Hop dance and Deutsch poetry slam.

8:00 - Helga models a collection of Dirndls in the beer garden.

8:30 - Roundtable discussion number #3 and slide show - The St. Pauli girl: A pictorial history of an offensive anti-German stereotype.

8:45 - More of Helga and her Dirndls in the beer garden.

9:30 - Beer and brats in the garden.

Sunday Schedule

9:00 AM - Lutheran Mass featuring J. S. Bach’s cantata BWV 70 “Wachet! betet! betet! wachet!”

10:00 - Beer and brats in the garden

9:00 PM - Clean up, and more beer in the garden. Leftover Bregenwurst will be available.