Oct 11, 2008

On the Eve of Self-Destruction

J.McCain portrait from Wikipedia Commons; cartooned by Bachster using the GIMP Over the past few weeks there has been a lot of speculation about the McCain campaign’s running-mate selection process. Who was behind the startling selction of Alaska Governer Sarah Palin? Was this a choice forced on the Senator in some backroom deal with the religious right? Was this “McCain being McCain"—a bold visionary, unafraid to flout conventional wisdom? Or, as some have suggested, was it just the Viagra talking?

Here’s a Bachblog guess as to how the conversation between Senator McCain and his advisors unfolded, on the eve of McCain’s self-destruction …

ROG: We’re here, sir, to ask if you’ve settled on the veep pick. We’re on the eve of the convention …

McC: Yes, yes, come on in Roger.

[JM shakes R’s hand vigorously]

Come on in fellas! I’ve certainly given it some thought.

ROG: Good, good. Introductions?

McC: I know these fellas! Right?

ROG: Sure, we’ve met on a few occasions, but we know how busy you are Senator. Let’s just go through this quickly:

McC: Great, great.

ROG: Sihri here heads up your market research team.

McC. Sleary. Numbers guy. Yes. Nice to see you again.

[They shake hands]

SIH: Mr. President, sir.

[Some laughter]

McC: Ha ha, you cheeky bastard! I remember you … funny little guy, funny little accent. Keep ’em coming Gandy!

[McCain turns back toward Roger]

I like this guy!

[Roger nods slightly and turns toward a second man …]

ROG: Curt here is your “base liaison.”

McC: Curt, yes, nice to see ya. Base what?

CUR: Base liaison.

McC: Li-a-a-what?

ROG: Curt’s a “go-between,” sir. He’s charged with tracking the religious right …

McC: The wingnuts.

ROG: Yes, you’ve sometimes …

McC: Just call ’em the wingnuts, and I’ll know who you mean! So, Kirk, you’re attending that big goddamned church in Dallas still?

CUR: Yes, sir. Whenever I’m in Texas, yes.

McC: Good, keep an eye on those guys. Goddamned wingnuts! I wish you wouldn’t bring ’em up first thing in the morning, Roger! I’ve hardly had a chance to choke down this fucking goddamned high protein, high fiber goddamned breakfast you’ve got me on here. And you gotta throw that crap at me. Hot damn!

ROG: Just wanted to introduce Curt, sir.

McC: Yes, yes. Kirk. Curt. Good to see you again Curt. I already said that, right. Who’s he?

[McCain gestures towards the fourth and last man in the room]

ROG: You haven’t met Mike. He’s doing some writing for us. He’ll get down some of your thoughts on your choice this morning and help shape our talking points.

McC: Talking points, talking points. Whatta load of crap. You get paid for that, Mike? “Gotta have it,” they keep telling me, “gotta have it.” Makes me sick.

[Shakes Mike’s hand, Mike bows slightly but doesn’t speak. McCain turns again to Roger]

You brought a broad in here last time doing the same thing. What happened to her?

ROG: Well, she, uh …

McC: The one with the knockers. Damn!

ROG: Yeah, well she has been reassigned and is doing good things for you in the New York office.

McC: She could do good things for me right here if you know what I mean …

ROG: Yes, sir.

McC: Nothing against Mark here, but …

ROG: Mike, sir.

McC: Mike, Mark, Kike, Kirk! Bambi, now there’s a name I can remember.

ROG: What sir?

McC: Never mind Rog—just joshing.

ROG: Yes, well okay. You’ve decided on a vice president then?

McC: I read through every goddamned portfolio again. This goddamned food you hacks have me on has me bound up like a rusted wingnut—I mean lugnut. Damn. Had to read something while I spent all that time on the shitter. And I’m making the right goddamned pick here and none of you wanks —

ROG: Wonks?

McC: … wanking wonks is going to try to talk me out of this, okay?

ROG: We’re still talking about Pawlenty and Romney, right?

McC: Edible to the wingnuts these guys, you say?

ROG: Palatable to the religious right, I think I said, yes.

McC: Yes, yes. Not a tough-looking S.O.B. like Ridge, I tell ya. Not my guy Leeverman, no? Can’t palate the unleavened bread can they?

ROG: Well …

McC: Well I’m just gonna out-flank the nuts, I’ll tell ya. They’ll eat this up.

ROG: Who do you have in mind, Senator?

McC: Let me just give you one word: Hockey mom.

ROG: Hockey mom?